Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me trying to “trust the process”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”