Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
cat vs inanimate object
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.