Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body