Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Lassie, get help!
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me irl
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!