Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.