@Schroofles

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

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@javroar

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

@kimtopher22

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

@bewgtweets

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@UncleDuke1969

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”