spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?