Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”