Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*