Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be