Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.


A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏


“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly


I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.


[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony


My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.


My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.