@buck4itt

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

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@bylinetd

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@KevinFarzad

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

@skullmandible

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

@TEXASVETERAN

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.