Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention