just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.