just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist