Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?