just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.