Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night