Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’d use my best pan on you.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Jogging
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.