Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Was it something I said?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .