Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Cardio Made Easy
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working