Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

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Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?


This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.


Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.


Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.


If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.


Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all