“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
seems fine
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*