Just me?
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Husband of the year 😂
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*