Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
![]()
You Might Also Like
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.