Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…