Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
You Might Also Like
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
This is my favorite one of these!
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.