Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

🤣🤣

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist