Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
selena gomez
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink