Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer