Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
You Might Also Like
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.