Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

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*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*


“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”


at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed


I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18


If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.


Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.


Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES


Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious