@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

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@jimmytorosian

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

@starwarsshirt

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@PressOneForNo

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@DairylandDon

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@cashbonez

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious