Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves