@jimmytorosian *Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
@DevilryFun Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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@jimmytorosian 
@starwarsshirt “Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
@IamEnidColeslaw at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
@PressOneForNo I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
@Hormonella If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
@DairylandDon Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
@NYC_Blonde Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
@KimmyMonte Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
@illuminatedwndr just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
@cashbonez Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious