Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Watson was Holmes schooled
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling