Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?