Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-