[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see