Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back