Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
#parenting
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”