Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.