Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A short story of betrayal:
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
mariah carrie