Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”