Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U