@sonictyrant

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

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@UnFitz

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

@dave_cactus

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

@Darlainky

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@MomofTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.