Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Incredible customer service.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?