Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
PLOT TWIST:
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
2023 was just a warmup
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
But that’s none of my business
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.