Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
beware of dog
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
you stereotypes are all alike
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?