LAWYER: Did u kill him?
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve