Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash