@squirrel74wkgn

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

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@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

@Shade510

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@mommy_cusses

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@7_Cents

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

@batkaren

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve