Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS