Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.