Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
B
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?