Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.