Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I love wikipedia
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
It’s his time
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water