Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Jesus Christ lmao
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
the composer
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”