Just ordered me some pizza!
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.