Just ordered me some pizza!

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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.


[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.


Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.


Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.


One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for


It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive


when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation


Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.