@OllyiConic

Just ordered me some pizza!

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@CryitoutMom

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

@Home_Halfway

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

@Cornjerker78

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

@aparnapkin

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@jazz_inmypants

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

@Henry_3000

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.