Just organising my finances.
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
you will never know the true number of layers
Ugh but profoundly
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.