just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.