just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
それは草
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
She was REALLY feeling it.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.