Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
You Might Also Like
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too