Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Yup!
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left