Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

You Might Also Like


*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?


Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.


It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school


DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby


Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer


What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?


One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.


[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade


Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*



me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?