@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

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@mommajessiec

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@pixelatedboat

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

@abbycohenwl

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@LoveNLunchmeat

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

@david8hughes

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

@rn_murse

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?