*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?